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One of my internal voice's favorite attacks is to point out ways I'm not a good rider (translation: less than perfect, gasp!) but not only that, it really rubs in that I'm not a good student and my trainer probably hates teaching me.
I would hope that not everyone feels this way, but I do know for a fact that I'm not the only one. As an instructor I see the same shame and self criticism patterns in my students.
Well I am here to debunk that lying little voice inside! Here's a list of the top 4 things that the voice tells you annoys your instructor, but really doesn't. But also there are a few habits that can be frustrating for your instructor and I will warn you about those too.
1. Crying During Your Lesson
Virtually 100% of the time, if I am crying during a lesson, I am also now crying because I am mad/embarrassed that I am crying. But the thing is, as an instructor, I don't give a sh*t if you are crying.
Riding is an emotional sport. The horse has emotions. So do people. It's fine if it overwhelms you sometimes. I would prefer that over just turning them off or shoving them down and not dealing with them until it becomes a big explosion. It just means that you are passionate, and everybody has their own ways of dealing with and showing passions.
Watching a student cry or get emotional does not bother me. Even if that emotional may involve rudeness or lashing out at me. I get it. We all have those moments.
What does bother me is that I hate watching people beat themselves up because of emotions, or crying, or whatever their internal mean voice is saying. Which I realize sometimes we only have limited control over. Meaning don't start beating yourself up for beating yourself up!
Do try to express some of what's going on if you can. It's hard to be open, to be vulnerable, but owning up to what the voice is saying bleeds out some of the poison. It also helps your instructor to know what's going on and how best to help.
So really, your instructor doesn't care if you are crying. Crying is fine, take a moment if you really need to. Just don't quit riding. You can cry all you want/need, just listen to your instructor while you cry. She's got helpful things to say. And don't give up. Keep crying but keep riding, keep trying. That's all that matters.
2. Repeated Instructions
Sometimes I get down on myself because I feel like my instructor must be tired of telling me to close my fingers for the 10,000th time. But realistically, as an instructor, I do not care one whit about having to say the same thing over and over. That's my job!
Often we are trying to break down old habits and build new ones, and that just takes a lot of time and, you guessed it, repetition. I do not care if I tell you to put your heels down, and then you forget 2 seconds later and I have to remind you again.
What I do absolutely hate, is if I'm telling you to do something, and you don't do it at all. It feels like I'm talking to a wall.
Caveat here. I realize that sometimes we instructors give commands that are not easily accomplished, or your efforts may not produce a visible result. For instance: "use more leg!", "help your horse through that turn", or the ever popular, "relax!"
I realize that just because I can't see it or it didn't yield perfect results, doesn't mean you aren't trying.
No, when I say I hate when I say to do something and you don't do it, I mean really simple tasks. Physical things like close your fingers, bring your chin up, etc.
On a side note, I know it can be frustrating or discouraging when your instructor tells you to do something that you think you are already doing. When that happens it can mean a couple different things.
It can be a cue to you that there is still more work to be done here. It doesn't matter if you can't manage more right now. It's important to know what the end goal is and that you're not there yet.
It can be a cue to try harder. It's your instructor's job to push you out of your comfort zone and try to get the best you can be. You may not be able to master or muscle everything right now, but you can often do more than you think you are capable of. By us asking for more, as long as you put in a good try, you might surprise even yourself.
It can be just a simple reminder. It doesn't mean that you aren't trying or that we think you aren't trying. Maybe you were getting it a little better a minute ago but now its slipping again. I may be just calling you to put your focus back on this one piece. There can be a million things to think about while riding and sometimes it's just a simple cue that this is priority 1.
And again, it doesn't bother me to have to tell you multiple times, or if you can't get it done very well, I just need to see that you are trying. Not trying is the most frustrating of all.
3. Asking Questions
I always have a ton of questions. And I often feel like I'm bothering the instructor or holding up the class by asking too many.
Sometimes if I'm asking a question because something is frustrating me (translation: because I feel like I'm failing) it can be hard to phrase the question properly, or to use the correct tone of voice. It can feel like I'm being argumentative or aggressive (i.e. a bad student).
From an instructor's perspective, that's really not the case. Questions are always good. We are used to emotions while riding, a good instructor can read past that, not take it personally.
Yes, I will admit, in some of the bigger group classes there isn't always time for a lot of explanations. But still ask the question. What's actually much more annoying to me is not asking questions when you have them.
I will always answer what I can. I may give you a short answer, I may ask you to come back later, I may even hustle you to get a move on with whatever it is that is giving you pause, but I still don't mind the question.
Questions help me know what to address, what is challenging you most, which descriptions are working for you and which ones aren't.
If I don't have time to answer your question, or you didn't understand, then please find me after class and ask again. Sometimes the hardest thing to combat as a trainer is the questions that weren't asked.
When you take lessons from different people over the course of years they can contradict each other. Heck, even one instructor can contradict themselves!
In the case of two different instructors, some things are just opinion. Riding is often more of an art than a science.
For one instructor contradicting themselves, sometimes it can be because they've learned something new and changed their viewpoint. Or it could be that you've advanced in your riding and what worked on an elementary level is not technically correct now that you are more capable.
Maybe you are riding a different horse, or even the same horse on a different day. What works with one horse or one day, may not be exactly right the next.
What you have to realize is that your instructor isn't just trying to get you to do what they say in this one moment. A good trainer wants to give you the tools and knowledge to be able to make decisions on your own going forward.
We know we won't be with you every step of the way, telling you what to do every moment. And we wouldn't want that anyway. I want you to be a strong, knowledgeable, self-sufficient rider in your own right.
Which is why when you come across conflicting ideas, it's important to ask questions and not just automatically toss out one or the other.
I have two caveats here:
1) If you are taking lessons from multiple trainers, don't pit them against each other. You can absolutely bring up and ask about differing policies or principles, but please be respectful that everyone has different opinions they believe in.
There may not be a cut and dry right and wrong, but that doesn't mean we as a horse community can't get along.
2) If a concept is puzzling you, you may not want to ask the question right away. Sometimes it's good to go home, sleep on it, and think about the two opposing theories. You might look up some articles on the internet to try to understand, sometimes you can get there on your own.
Do be mindful of reputable sources on the internet. I will always recommend an article over a forum discussion, and not all articles are created equal.
We need you to ask questions. Learning has to be a conversation at times. You don't have to agree with or believe in every single thing that your instructor asks. And yes, it is good practice to just try whatever you are told, like it or not.
You can always decide later what methods to keep and what to toss away. But asking those questions gives us a chance to supply more context.
Maybe we are telling you to do an opposite extreme and you're right, it's not a good end goal but it's a good learning tool.
Maybe there's a critical piece that you are missing and by asking the question, it makes more sense.
Maybe we haven't properly conveyed what the problem we are seeing is, so the solution we suggested doesn't make sense.
Make sure you ask the questions (when the time is right). Remember, the point isn't just to do what your instructor says in a lesson, but also to understand the why of those things.
We want you to be able to practice on your own and problem solve to apply these tools and strategies in future rides.
4. Lack of Progress
Possibly one of the easiest ways to feel bad about yourself while riding is to just feel like you aren't progressing. Or maybe you feel like you're getting worse.
If feeling bad about your own progress wasn't enough, sometimes that mean voice in your head tries to tell you that your trainer is annoyed/frustrated/disappointed at your lack of progress too.
Well that's not true! Your trainer can see the tiny progress that is lost to you, hidden by the mean voices in your head.
Even if the progress is minuscule, all we really care about is that you are trying. It's the same way we train the horses.
Of course it's fun when they make a lot of progress at once, but it's absolutely fine if something is taking them longer. Learning can be big steps or microscopic steps and that's ok.
We didn't become trainers by lacking the patience for the learning process. As long as there is a good effort, a good try, we know the rest will come with time, and that's plenty. We are happy to know it for you, even if you don't right now.
Chances are you are progressing, even if you can't see it. But if you really think you are not, or you really think your trainer is getting irritated with you, check back on this list.
- Do you give up and quit riding/listening when you cry?
- Do you ignore some of what your trainer tells you to do? (separate from trying and not succeeding yet)
- Do you have questions that cause you to doubt what you are being told, but don't ask them?
- Do you feel like you aren't good enough, and stop coming to lessons/riding altogether?
If your answer is no to all four of those things, then I guarantee you are on the right track and are progressing, even if it's very slow. So don't worry, your trainer doesn't hate you. Ignore the internal voice best you can, and take back the fun of riding and learning both!
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