Any step I take towards thinking less and feeling more is a big deal in my book. It doesn't matter how small of a step it may be. I've got my whole life to keep trying to make progress so the pace doesn't matter, it's all about direction. But the interesting thing is, despite the fact that I'm thrilled with this bit of progress I've made with thinking less, I still don't feel great about my lesson overall tonight. We had a rocky start and I got scared/upset. But we made a huge comeback, which I should feel proud of! I guess I don't feel great about a lesson unless it all goes really well from start to finish? Which is very silly. I guess that's why I wanted to start this blog. Maybe if I take the time to think through and write down what I've done I will gain perspective and be able to spend more time taking in the good of what I've accomplished.
Horses Are Not Math Problems
So what did I accomplish tonight? Well in thinking back on the lesson I realize that I've been trying to treat horses like math problems. Stupid, right? Duh Lauren horses aren't math problems, they're horses! I don't even like math, so why is this happening? Well it's the logic and reasoning parts of my brain taking over, which they seem all too prone to do when I'm riding.
I've been thinking in terms of cause and effect, trying to apply aids like an equation. If the horse is shouldering in to the turn then you need to add inside leg. If the horse is not making the turn with his hind end then you need to add outside rein and outside leg. If the horse is going too fast you need to add half-halts. If we need to lengthen to make a distance work add leg. In my mind you take X problem add Y aid and that equals a balanced/correct horse, just like an equation should balance out.
I've been thinking in terms of cause and effect, trying to apply aids like an equation. If the horse is shouldering in to the turn then you need to add inside leg. If the horse is not making the turn with his hind end then you need to add outside rein and outside leg. If the horse is going too fast you need to add half-halts. If we need to lengthen to make a distance work add leg. In my mind you take X problem add Y aid and that equals a balanced/correct horse, just like an equation should balance out.
Now I'm not totally delusional. I know everything won't always balance out or be perfect. And we all know that more often than not the rider is the problem. I am not always physically capable of adding or subtracting enough to balance things out. Just because I know what I am supposed to do doesn't mean that my strength, coordination, and/or timing are where they need to be to get it done. (Also we should not forget all those times when I don't know what to do, which is why we have beloved trainers!) But if I do these things and try hard I should be able to get relatively close to a balanced equation and therefore good riding results.
Sometimes that really does work. It may actually work relatively often which is why it has taken me so long to realize why it's wrong. I've left out a truly giant variable, the horse! Now I'm not saying it's the horse's fault. Ultimately this is still rider error for failing to factor in the other athlete in this equation. Even if I apply the aids exactly "right", I may not get the correct, equation-balancing response I was looking for because the horse may not have the strength, coordination, or responsiveness necessary. In my eagerness to think through and solve a problem I am fundamentally forgetting that this is a partnership. Which is actually pretty terrible to admit because the connection with the horse is the real reason I want to do this in the first place.
Sometimes that really does work. It may actually work relatively often which is why it has taken me so long to realize why it's wrong. I've left out a truly giant variable, the horse! Now I'm not saying it's the horse's fault. Ultimately this is still rider error for failing to factor in the other athlete in this equation. Even if I apply the aids exactly "right", I may not get the correct, equation-balancing response I was looking for because the horse may not have the strength, coordination, or responsiveness necessary. In my eagerness to think through and solve a problem I am fundamentally forgetting that this is a partnership. Which is actually pretty terrible to admit because the connection with the horse is the real reason I want to do this in the first place.
I should mention that this small epiphany is something my trainers have been trying to beat into me forever. And I'm sure I will forget and need to be told again. And again. But thank goodness all the trainers at CEC seem to have loads of patience and don't mind reminding me repeatedly that we won't reach perfect today, we won't fix a horse's shortcoming in one session, we won't fix my shortcomings in one session. Just ride the horse you have.
As always the problem is ultimately a fear response. Once I've added or subtracted the correct aids and I still can't get my equation to balance out, I start to get anxious and upset. It doesn't really seem to matter if I am riding a perfectly safe horse that I've had many successful rides on, once the equation stops working I feel out of control and afraid. I think it starts to feel like I'm adding 1 to 2 but not getting 3 so crap now I don't know anything! Obviously the more upset I get the more tense I get and the more my brain goes into overdrive which makes the problem worse instead of better. There's also distracting brain factors such as being mad at myself for not keeping better control over my emotions and feeling guilty about being dramatic and stealing time away from the other students in the lesson. At this point my brain is clearly doing way too many things and almost none of them are useful.
Remember that small bit of progress I said I had made tonight? Well this is it: I was finally able to get out of my own head. The more wound up my brain is, the harder it is to do, so it becomes a vicious cycle that's hard to break. Just because I did it tonight I'm sure doesn't mean I will be able to do it every time. But just accomplishing it once is a step in the right direction.
The ride really wasn't going that badly. The other riders were trying to support me. My trainer was telling me that I've put way too much pressure on myself. But I was upset, I was nervous, and I was beating myself up mentally. I'm not really sure what I did to break the cycle. I know they say that the first step is to recognize the problem, but I've definitely known about it for a while now. Recognizing what you are thinking/feeling and changing what you are thinking/feeling are two completely different things.
In tonight's lesson, between jumping rounds when I was waiting for my turn again, I did manage to change how I was thinking. Somehow I was able to remember that this is a horse that I like to ride and even though it's been a long time, I used to ride him well. Usually this type of thought would just upset me more that things should be going better than they are so something's wrong. But instead I guess I made the conscious decision to ride him and feel what's happening instead of trying to think through what the "correct answer" should be.
The only thing I've ever figured out that shuts down my brain so I can feel the horse under me is to revert to counting the one-two rhythm of the canter. Any thoughts other than one-two-one-two rhythm and grab mane when it's time to jump are not allowed. And once I did that and let all the extraneous thoughts go, everything went better. The horse was not magically balanced on the turns, and sure I was still a little afraid that we might trip and fall in the deep corners, but the horse and I were finally in sync. We both were able to relax, we found better jumps, and I was able to regain control. Not of the horse as I had thought was so important, but control of myself.
As always the problem is ultimately a fear response. Once I've added or subtracted the correct aids and I still can't get my equation to balance out, I start to get anxious and upset. It doesn't really seem to matter if I am riding a perfectly safe horse that I've had many successful rides on, once the equation stops working I feel out of control and afraid. I think it starts to feel like I'm adding 1 to 2 but not getting 3 so crap now I don't know anything! Obviously the more upset I get the more tense I get and the more my brain goes into overdrive which makes the problem worse instead of better. There's also distracting brain factors such as being mad at myself for not keeping better control over my emotions and feeling guilty about being dramatic and stealing time away from the other students in the lesson. At this point my brain is clearly doing way too many things and almost none of them are useful.
Don't Do Math Just Count!
Remember that small bit of progress I said I had made tonight? Well this is it: I was finally able to get out of my own head. The more wound up my brain is, the harder it is to do, so it becomes a vicious cycle that's hard to break. Just because I did it tonight I'm sure doesn't mean I will be able to do it every time. But just accomplishing it once is a step in the right direction.
The ride really wasn't going that badly. The other riders were trying to support me. My trainer was telling me that I've put way too much pressure on myself. But I was upset, I was nervous, and I was beating myself up mentally. I'm not really sure what I did to break the cycle. I know they say that the first step is to recognize the problem, but I've definitely known about it for a while now. Recognizing what you are thinking/feeling and changing what you are thinking/feeling are two completely different things.
In tonight's lesson, between jumping rounds when I was waiting for my turn again, I did manage to change how I was thinking. Somehow I was able to remember that this is a horse that I like to ride and even though it's been a long time, I used to ride him well. Usually this type of thought would just upset me more that things should be going better than they are so something's wrong. But instead I guess I made the conscious decision to ride him and feel what's happening instead of trying to think through what the "correct answer" should be.
The only thing I've ever figured out that shuts down my brain so I can feel the horse under me is to revert to counting the one-two rhythm of the canter. Any thoughts other than one-two-one-two rhythm and grab mane when it's time to jump are not allowed. And once I did that and let all the extraneous thoughts go, everything went better. The horse was not magically balanced on the turns, and sure I was still a little afraid that we might trip and fall in the deep corners, but the horse and I were finally in sync. We both were able to relax, we found better jumps, and I was able to regain control. Not of the horse as I had thought was so important, but control of myself.
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